something something...

It has been a while. I have done my best to walk a different path lately...there are so many reasons to not fall back into bad patterns...so i haven't. I pay such a high price right now for it. I am not running from the world...

I have come to terms with the syd situation...i setup a group of friends to talk to when i felt like talking to her...cause i have...had no control with her. I really enjoy talking to her. But for a time, there was a level of unhealthiness in talking with her. I figured for so long that it was on my side of the table...I mean really, why wouldn't i think that?

I know differently now. I know she is scared. Not of me. She is scared of the choice she is making. She wants to change, she wants to stop hurting people, but she doesn't know how. I honestly think she was scared of what i represent. I am happy, and i have no problems talking about anything, my faults, my horribleness...I lost that for a time with her. I focused on her because my mind was trying to find a solution to her problem. The solution is one that it took me time to come up with.

I guess i should say, I am happy again. Without my friends...i really don't know where i would be. Everyone in my life helped me through this, everyone had alot to say about the situation...about Syd. I found myself again Wednesday...I had alot of crucial conversations that day. It was a royal shit storm...i saw several people cry that day...and i teared up with them as i helped them on their path. That afternoon, I really set myself free...singing, being my usual happy self. I thought about what would make me happy to do. And that was to give. I told myself, this year...everyone is getting a present from me. Yes, even Syd. And then i figured out exactly what i wanted to do...I am not rich...but god damn...i have to do this...Ever since that day, the world has smiled. The lows not so low...