Happiness and Death

It is a sad joke to say these together...happiness and death. I am reminded of suicide right away...It is something my whole life i have struggled against. I am not suicidal. I could not even think about this, but the though of happiness through death...that is something i never understood.

It is like waking to a new level of consciousness...when you can understand something your mind has wrestled with to understand.

My emotions were just flicked on after a 5 year block...and it is something I am not sure i can control. I know i can not control. I have been struck in a situation where I feel so much, about everything...but i am a logical person. My consciousness is wrestling with itself, and I am paying a price.

The price? Not really eating, or sleeping, cannot focus at all, in the slightest. If this is what feelings are, I may have been better in my life to be unaware. And then my heart shocks me to realize what ...god damn, i am not saying love...but what feelings truely are.

I have spent my life fighting these feelings, keeping them under thumb...but now...Now I know.

I know why people kill themselves, i know why they commit suicide. These feelings, they are so powerful, If they continued like this, I would go insane. I would never kill myself, I could not even think of such actions, i have to much to live for right now...But i do understand now.

And that is a big step to my understanding.